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Careers for the Evil Doer
At this point you may be asking yourself, which evil career is right for me? Should I be a Criminal Mastermind, Mass Murderer or Producer of the Teletubbies? We have thus assembled this handy guide to assist you in this: the most important decision of your life.
Criminal Mastermind
This is the career most evil-doers strive for. To be head of a gigantic criminal empire, with armies of thugs that hold the citizens in thrall as your grip on the city grows ever tighter. But how do you get this most evil of jobs?

Believe it or not, you're actually going to want to start out small. Find a field of crime that you like, such as bank robbery or assassination, and practice it. Spend some time learning the crime world, and when you finally feel you are ready, expand out further. Hire some henchmen, give them some colorful outfits to make them 'unique', and before long you should have achieved the level of low-level crime boss.

Which brings you to your first problem. More than likely there will be quite a number of crime bosses with a slight problem of you moving in on their territory. They may even send out a couple of nice gentlemen named Guido and Icepick to explain this with a baseball bat. Fret not, for this is only to be expected, and remember: You are not a crime boss, but a criminal mastermind. You possess a superior intellect these individuals cannot even conceive of, and should therefore be able to evade their death traps with ease.

The time will then have come to strike. All the other crime bosses will think you are dead, toasting your ill health in their corporate skyscrapers and underground lairs. Move in quickly, murdering each with an outlandish weapon of your own creation. Offer their henchmen a choice between joining you and jumping into a vat of bubbling acid, and then outfit the survivors with mind control implants. Before long you will be indisputable crime lord of the city, kingpin of the underworld and master of terrible fates. The police will be in your pocket, the citizens will quake with fear, and nothing will exist that is able to stop you.

Well… Maybe there is one little problem. That new hero in town. You know, the one in spandex and a cape spouting nonsense about truth and justice and how your reign of terror will soon end. They aren't a threat, of course... but maybe you should send out your army of thugs to deal with them anyways. To stop this before it starts, and teach them a lesson. Just in case...

Corporate Bastard
"Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business." -- Montgomery Burns.

It doesn't hurt to slay your rivals too, but that's just an option. The career of corporate bastard is one of the most rewarding among evil-doers today, so why not get yourself a piece of the pie? The strangling hold of the multinational corporation has never been stronger!

There are two general ways to become a corporate bastard:

1) Start your own business. Crush your enemies. Claw your way to the top.
2) Get hired at a corporation. Crush your enemies. Claw your way to the top.

As you can see, they're not very different. Their main distinguishing feature is that for the first you need some sort of actual product. This does not have to be anything created by you, as intellectual theft is both acceptable and encouraged. If that sounds like too much work then you may want to consider the second option and join up with a local corporation. Impress them with your blackmailing and backstabbing ability, and should you play your cards right (and sleep with the interviewer) they'll snatch you right up.

You now face the small matter of climbing the corporate ladder, an enjoyable game due to your lack of ethics. Crush anyone who gets in your way, dispatching your rivals quickly and without mercy. Before long you should be in a position of power and able to direct your attention outwards. You see, those many small businesses are the true threat and must be dealt with immediately. You will want to engage in numerous corporate takeovers, as well as have your army of lawyers sue them into the ground. Pacts with the dark gods also work quite well, anything that can stop this threat to your economic stranglehold.

Eventually all the competition will be destroyed, and you can spend your time gloating at the contemptible masses beneath you. This is perhaps one of the most rewarding aspects of being a corporate bastard (well, that and the money) and so should be performed at every opportunity. You can laugh and chortle as you realize the nation is now under your control, that all hope is lost and you have brought about forty years of darkness. Or four hundred, should you engage in proper long-term planning.

Horror Movie Villain

Many people opt to become a horror movie villain, a popular choice due to the near immortality and many sequels that come with the job. In this illustrious career you will get to wreak havoc upon any scantily-clad teenagers you might find, stalking them through the woods and then disemboweling them in the most inventive of ways. Or as an alternative you can instead appear to them in their dreams, manifesting as their worst nightmares and then murdering them while their sleep. You can even transform pain into pleasure or walk through their TV, it all depends upon the back story and your own imagination.

The first thing you will want to do obtain some props. These are vitally important, as they will define your methods and personal style. Some good props include:

Hockey mask
Glove with knives
Chainsaw
Hangman's noose
Puzzle box
Incredibly large knife
Ability to appear in a mirror after your name is said five times

Gaining immortality may be a bit more difficult. It used to be you could just get hit by lightning and then nothing could stop you, but these days there always has to be new and elaborate plot twists. Some of the old methods do still seem to work, however, and you may want to consider them:

Pact with the devil.
Get sentenced to the electric chair.
Get burned in the furnace where you killed all the children.
Wear the mystic amulet while you are gunned down in a toy store.
Make a deal with the creepy voodoo woman to avenge the death of your child.
Drown in the river while your camp counselors are too busy having sex, have your mom kill the bastards and then arise in the sequel.
Whichever you choose, just know that as soon as your heart stops beating the time for fun has begun. Stalk your victims with care, allowing them to trip several times and occasionally even get away. Let your theme music travel with you, as you appear across the lake and behind windows. Finally, make them scream like they've never screamed before, as they bury a hatchet in your head and discover that doesn't stop you. It's all in good fun, and don't even worry should they discover that electricity/sunlight/a proper burial is your one weakness. Your body will get reanimated somehow (it always is), and you will live to slay another day.

Necromancer
The career of necromancer is an excellent choice for evil-doers who are not a "people person." Though some might say there is not much point to turning the earth into one gigantic graveyard, these people are fools and will never understand anyway. Good career entry points for becoming a necromancer include occultists, dabblers in voodoo, grave diggers, morticians, possessed eight-year-old girls, and inheritors of scary books wrapped in human flesh.

That last choice is probably the best, because the first thing you're going need to do is obtain sort of Book of Evil. These blasphemous tomes are excellent sources of untold damnation and blasting any remnants of your sanity away. You can get most sorcerous books from your local occult book shop, though they have also been known to be found inside ancient tombs, Miskatonic University and any movie starring Bruce Campbell.

With your Book of Evil in hand, your next objective is to obtain corpses to fuel your army of the undead. The local cemetery is probably your best bet, but don't overlook nearby battlefields, the morgue, or simply making your own! If you start getting any doubts about what you are doing (the whole condemning innocents souls to an eternity of pain and suffering thing), rest assured that it's only your conscience. This shouldn't be too big of a problem, because as soon as you perform a few of the blasphemous rituals it will be nothing but a faded memory.

You should now have a large number of zombies under your command. Think of them like your children, or rather, cannon fodder. These shambling corpses will be used to execute your swath of destruction, so all that's really left is finding some poor group of schmucks to terrorize. Absolutely best are villages of medieval peasants, but due to cutbacks and the passage of several hundred years these are kind of hard to come by. You may thus want to simply use the nearby town, basing yourself at that deserted mansion no one ever goes to. Send forth your legions of the living dead, attacking the townsfolk and transforming them into zombies with every bite. Before long you will have a virtual army of the undead, which can then be sent to more towns, and more, until the world is yours.

Surgeon General's Warning: Known side effects for being a necromancer include loss of hair, pale skin, tomb rot, foul stench, eyes melting from their sockets, gibbering insanity, and eternal damnation.

Horseman of the Apocalypse

This adventuresome career is often not considered by evil-doers because of the religious undertones, but don't let that discourage you! Becoming a horseman of the apocalypse can be a very rewarding experience, with the death and destruction and rivers of blood, and if anything, looks good on a resume.

The Department of the Apocalypse suggests that applicants for each position hold one of the following backgrounds:

Death - Mass murderer
War - Military general
Famine - Founder of Jenny Craig Clinics
Pestilence - Bio-Plague Designer

It is also a good idea to check out The Book of Revelations beforehand. This will show you the basic job description, the ins and outs of it and what is to be expected. It is also important to realize that you're going to be working for some guy named Jehovah (or rather, JHVH), apparently a major monotheistic deity. This doesn't look like it should be too big of a problem, however, because from what we've been able to piece together, with his smitings and damnations and casting into the lake of fire, he looks to be a pretty evil guy himself.

Come and see.

Avatar for a God/Demon/Supernatural Creature Beyond All Comprehension
Don't want to put in the effort it takes to be an evil overlord but still desire the destruction of all mankind? Then maybe you should become a supernatural avatar! This career is ideal for apprentice sorcerers and those who like meddling in Things Man Was Not Meant To Know. All you have to do is get possessed, lose all sense of self, and let Nyarlathotep take over and bring about the end of all things! And the best part is, you'll have made a difference.

There are numerous ways become a supernatural avatar. These include:

1) Find a copy of the Necronomicon.
2) Open the Mummy's Tomb.
3) Wait till the Stars are Right.
4) Steal the Idol from the Island Natives.
5) Wear the Mystic Amulet.
6) Let your Blood drip onto the Sacred Circle.
7) Plunge the Sacred Blade into your Heart.
8) Listen to the voices that say "All you have to do is let me in..."
9) Free the Supernatural Horror from its Thousand-Year Prison.
10) See the movie "Battlefield: Earth."

A warning on that last one... Some things are perhaps best left undisturbed.

Once you've let the monstrosity take over, there's really not that much left to do except sit back and watch. And scream in anguish. And claw your eyes out. And feel the flesh rip from your bones as the ancient god is reborn again and grows forty stories tall and devours everything that exists and brings about the destruction of all humanity.

Cult Leader

Perhaps one of the most rewarding of all evil jobs is that of cult leader. There's nothing quite like having an army of brainwashed zealots at your beck and call all willing to blow themselves up at a moment's notice. But not just anyone can fill these evil shoes. It takes a special someone, a man above normal men or woman above normal woman. So let's see if you've got what it takes.

First off, it is recommended you possess at least one of the following: supernatural charisma, awe-inspiring presence, a voice that must be obeyed, eyes that can do that spirally thing, and really bad personal hygiene. As an alternative, you can just read How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, but it's not quite the same. If the above does describe you, however, then you should be able to pull off being a cult leader rather nicely.

The primary thing you're going to have to decide is exactly what type of cult you wish to form. Do you want to lead a doomsday cult? A free love cult? A messianic cult that worships you like a god? This is a very important decision, as it will determine whether you are surrounded by big guns or scantily clad women/men. This will also determine your message. For example, if you choose an apocalyptic cult, you must proclaim the end is near and that you are the only way to heaven. If you are an orgiastic sex cult, simply promise breast implants for the ladies, buckets of Viagra for the men and free love for all (with top priority given to you of course). And if you are a messianic cult, say that you are the son of god. Or grandson. Or something.

Once that's decided, it's simply a matter of spreading your holy gospel. Good sites to do this are street corners, college universities, and the internet. It is a proven social law that as long as someone is ranting incoherently, frothing at the mouth and gibbering like a madman, someone will stop and listen. And then you will have them. Remember, you've got one of those oh-so-necessary character traits that makes you different from all the other gibbering maniacs. They will instantly be drawn in, and with each convert you will double the power of your message. You will suck in more and more until you literally have thousands of followers, all wanting to hear your divine message.

These poor downtrodden fools who are all missing something important from their lives need to be brainwashed immediately. Do not delay on this, because otherwise they may wise up to your true nature. To achieve proper mind control we suggest rhythmic chants, flashing lights, and constant prayers at twenty-foot tall statues of yourself. You will also want to beat down their self worth, and make sure they realize just how important it is for them sell all their material possessions so you can have twenty-three gold plated limousines. As if it weren't immediately obvious.

You will eventually need a holy compound to house all your mindless followers. You may want to draw up the plans yourself, as very few places nowadays come standard with a weapon arsenal, orgy chamber, and divine tower of heavenly ascendance. The compound also needs to be nearly impenetrable, as you will undoubtedly face regular attack from the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. It is also important to plan ahead. The numerous children you will inevitably sire need to be accounted for ahead of time when deciding your compound's size.

There shouldn't be any problem paying for this fortress, at least if you've done your brainwashing properly and stolen all their hard-earned money. If not, worry not, as you can always use your followers as a free source of labor. Just start beating on a large drum and the rhythmic pulse should soon direct them on exactly what to do. Before long your compound will be built and you can take your rightful seat on the throne to heaven, ruling as the god you've always known yourself to be.

Yes, you are now officially a cult leader. Free money, free love, and if you get declared a religion, exemption for taxes! Life is sweet.

Spammer

Warning: This is without a doubt the most depraved, foul, insidious and malevolent of all possible evil professions. If you choose this job you will be hated by good and evil-doers alike, becoming the lowest of all possible lows, with vigilantes hunting you and entire religions springing up devoted to your destruction. And not without good reason.

You will need: "Special $200 CD with email addresses lifted from USENET! All completely legal! Really!"

Also required: Overall worthlessness, wretched stench, complete and utter lameness, heart of darkness, unending depravity, lack of a soul, I.Q. the equivalent of pond scum, and the charm of a three-day-dead rat left festering in the sun that even the maggots won't touch because it's so goddamn ugly and repulsive.

We won't actually go into the details of this job as it's far too disgusting, even for us. Nevertheless, as a spammer you will now honestly be able to say your downfall from humanity is complete, that your eternal damnation is assured and that none exist who can surpass you in vileness.

Now get away from me.

Copyright (c) 2001 Neil Zawacki. All Right Reserved. Not to be reproduced in any form without express permission.