So just who are these guys? Why do they do the things they do? What could they possibly find wrong with destroying the earth and forty years of darkness? To get a better understanding of this unnatural mindset, please review the four disturbing scenarios below.
Scenario #1
When browsing the car classifieds section, you see the following listed: A used Brinks armored truck. A 1967 Cadillac Eldorado. A 1999 Toyota Camry. A low-mileage 1987 Ferrari.
A member of the forces of good will choose the vehicle an evil-doer probably didn't even see on the list. The reliable, sensible Camry. There will be no thought towards the wall-smashing benefits of the armored truck, the countless options for hiding machine guns, rocket launchers and caltrops on the Cadillac (not to mention the class!) or the guaranteed high-speed getaway in the Ferrari.
Scenario #2
You are walking through a city park when you suddenly come upon a young child. They are skipping along, lollipop in hand while singing a merry song. What do you do?
As a member of the forces of good, you *don't* steal the candy away! That's right, instead of ripping the lollipop from their hand as tears roll down their face, you pat the child on his head and let them continue on their way.
Scenario #3
A bank robbery is taking place. Masked men are carrying out sacks of money when suddenly they are forced to stop in their tracks. Some guy in spandex and a cape has appeared and is shouting "Begone evil-doers!" Question: Which of these people is you?
As a member of the forces of good, you would be the guy in the cape. That's right, the cape. Not the bank robbers, or the criminal mastermind behind them, but the fellow in blue and red tights trying to stop these people whose only crime is taking that which is not theirs.
Scenario #4
You have come upon an evil cult performing an ancient ritual of magic and sorcery. They are reading from an occult tome and as they chant out eldritch words a supernatural presence begins to appear. It is a horde of supernatural demons, risen to destroy the world and devour all that exists. Question: What do you do?
Strange as it may seem, as a member of the forces of good you actually try and *stop* the ritual. You don't let this wonderful gigantic supernatural being of nightmares and horror spell destruction for all humanity. No, you rush in and tip over a candle, thus disrupting the spell.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the disturbing mentality we are dealing with here. That incomprehensible do-goodness that we've come to hate so much. Well, get ready to hold on to something, because it's only gonna get worse from here.
THE GOOD MENTALITY
There are many different aberrations that make up the good mentality. They vary from person to person, and some are often stronger than others, but in general a member of the forces of good will have at least one of the following character traits.
Conscience: The most commonly held trait among heroes is a conscience. They will obey the law, keep their word, and try not to enslave all humanity. They will generally also protect the innocent and serve the common good whenever possible, something that should be exploited at every opportunity. For example, should a final confrontation between you and the hero actually happen, make it so they must choose between bringing you to justice or saving the city from your thermonuclear device. They'll choose the bomb every time.
Compassion: : Compassion is another characteristic often seen possessed by the good. Otherwise known as the selfless desire to help others, it all ends up being one thing: a bunch of time wasted on people who aren't worth it. Compassionate people also tend to be the most obnoxious, as they will often try to convert you rather than kill or capture. Expect a lot of "Why do you have to be so bad?" and "People like you make Baby Jesus cry." Resist it all you can, as well as their numerous attempts to show you the true meaning of Christmas.
Honor: Members of the forces of good also tend to abide by a concept called honor. This is a code of rules that they will base their lives around and follow to the death if need be. What this really means is that they are too afraid to writhe in chaos and so need some aesthetic concept called "order" to cling to. It must be noted however that some evil people are foolish enough to possess codes of honor as well. Try not to fall into this trap because it will really cramp your style. Take the following example: "You did well, MacGyver! You managed to escape my maze of death! I won't kill you... this time." What the hell is that? Kill him for god's sake! He's only going to come back next episode and thwart your evil scheme!
Honesty: Another trait that has been witnessed among the forces of good. Because they will always tell the truth, no matter the consequences, because of the curious belief that honesty is the best policy. Anyone who has worked in politics or law can tell you that this is definitely not the case, but their foolish truth-telling can actually be used to your advantage. Simply put the heroes in a situation where they are forced to do something they don't want, or can't resist, and then have them be confronted about their actions. They'll have no choice but to admit to their misdeeds, and then their family/loved ones/pet dog will spurn them.
Courage: Continuing further, another rather disturbing hero trait is courage. For some unknown reason heroes will take a bullet for the president, leap into burning buildings or try to defuse the bomb instead of running for their lives. Why they're not wiped out already we'll never know. They also won't necessarily back down in the face of overwhelming odds, standing tall as your hundreds of minions surround them with pointy weapons. Bravery must therefore always be taken into account when dealing with the heroes, because just when you think you've got them beat they'll suddenly pounce on you with a dagger shouting, "Not today, Fritz!"
Pity: Perhaps a hero's greatest weakness is pity. The unthinkable will happen and your evil scheme will have gone all wrong. You will be blubbering for mercy with a knife at your throat… and they'll stop. Instead of killing you like the threat you are, they'll adopt a pose and say, "No. I'm not going to kill you. I'm not like you, evil guy!" They will generally then let the authorities take you away, whom you can of course always escape from. Be sure to use this Achilles heel whenever possible, as it will allow you to fight (and win) another day.
HERO TYPES (AND HOW TO THWART THEM)
To further help you identify the heroes, here are a number of the different archetypes and some various ways to deal with them.
Defender of Justice: The most common hero type is the defender of justice. These are the crime fighters and caped crusaders, the noble folk who uphold the law and try to stop evil in all its forms. These misguided champions are guaranteed to be a major thorn in your side, thwarting your schemes while spouting nonsense about truth, justice, and the (insert country here) way. They also like to form entire leagues of heroes, which means you might have to fight a whole team of these spandex-wearing maniacs. Keep on the lookout for them, for they are popular favorites and will often have entire towns rallying behind them.
How to thwart them: The defender of justice is perhaps your greatest enemy, and so you will want to annhilate them utterly. Use guns, explosives, poisons, whatever it takes to get them out of your hair. Just do it quickly, because they are a grievous threat and your greatest obstacle towards the destruction or taking over of the world.
Angry Cool Guy: Another hero that pops up everywhere these days is the angry cool guy. These gritty anti-heroes spell nothing but trouble and can usually be identified by their leather jacket, thick scar and three day growth of beard. They are generally known for their antisocial behavior, often getting into fist fights and barroom brawls for no good reason. Unfortunately, they also tend to do the right thing in the end, despite their contempt for the rules and "rebel without a cause" attitude. Don't even try to covert them, as nothing bring them more pleasure than giving a villain his due.
How to thwart them: Your best bet with the angry cool guy is to look even more gritty and hardcore. This will confuse their fragile minds and if you pull it off right, the audience may switch over to your side. With them rooting for you his power will be neutralized, and you can then dispose of him as you see fit.
The Bawdy Lass: The sleek and sassy heroine is yet another threat to your sinister schemes and should be avoided any way you can. Notable for their low necklines and razor sharp wit, they aren't afraid to speak their minds and will often put the more macho heroes in their places. This is their only good quality, however, because they otherwise feel a tremendous need to kick ass all over the place. They will smash your crime syndicate and foil your sinister schemes, all without breaking a nail. Avoid them if you can, because unless your minions are loyal you might just find them switching over to her side.
How to thwart them:There is typically a great deal of sexual tension between the bawdy lass and the angry cool guy, something that can be used to your advantage. Simply keep a lookout for arguing couples in disguise, and as they give furtive glances to each other move in for the kill.
Silent Loner: Many an evil-doer has fallen prey to the silent loner. You'll be sitting around, minding your own business and plotting nefarious deeds, when suddenly some mysterious stranger rolls into town and starts destroying all you have worked to create. They may come in the form of a lone gunslinger, mystical swordsman or one-man-army out for revenge. Whatever the case, know that they are nearly unstoppable and will oppose you at every turn. On the plus side they always travel by themselves, so at least you'll only have one opponent. One incredibly dangerous opponent, as these guys are tough and resourceful in ways you've never seen.
How to thwart them: The silent loner has no friends, and thus no one to vouch for him. It is therefore suggested you frame them for crimes they didn't commit, putting them in the wrong place at the wrong time. People believe what they see, and it looks quite bad if you are standing in the conservatory with a candlestick over the body of Colonel Mustard.
The Sidekick: Beware the sidekick, in all his forms. They are not the harmless idiots you think them to be. These individuals are a real threat, and should be taken out at all costs. Why? Because they provide assistance to the hero just when they need it most. This might come in the form of a distraction, vital clue, or morale boosting one-liner. Occasionally they can even pull off a genuine rescue, saving the hero from an otherwise terrible death. You will therefore want to place them at the top of all your extermination lists, and be constantly vigilant towards their interfering and diminutive presence.
How to thwart them: Sidekicks are fairly easy to spot, as they have an annoying tendency to use such phrases as "Jumping Jillipers!" or "Golly Gadzooks!" Should you see any masked boys or girls uttering such inanities in your empire, have them put to death immediately.
Woman Warrior: The woman warrior is one of the more dangerous hero types existing in the world today. They may be an amazon through birth, the daughter of a god or some sort of mythic figure, but they are always well-versed in the arts of war. In battle they normally wield a sword or bow, though some like using enchanted lassoes. They also tend to dress in armor that protects an amazingly small amount of their body from attack. This is perhaps their greatest weakness, but unfortunately can almost never be used against them due to the way they jump and flip about. Truly a force to be reckoned with.
How to thwart them: Best to send in the goons for this one and watch from afar. If that doesn't work, you may want to try the unthinkable and become their love interest. Your dashing good looks will undoubtedly force them to fall under your spell, and you can then move in for the kill.
The Swashbuckler: This is a rather unusual one. For some reason there are a number of heroes out there who like swinging from chandeliers while gripping a dagger between their teeth as they sweep up the damsel and go flying off into the sunset. Also known for their fabulous swordplay, the swashbuckler is as skilled in the arts of romance as he is in heroism. Master of the dance as well as the bedside, his very appearance can cause women to faint and hearts to swoon. Which is really rather peculiar, considering the poofy shirts and britches he likes to wear. One of the great mysteries of the ages.
How to thwart them: The swashbuckler is a true swordsman and will fight like a hundred men. Thus, send in a hundred and one.
The Unlikely Hero: One of the more obnoxious hero types to emerge over the last several years is the wacky-wow-you'd-never-expect-them-to-be-a-hero hero. They can be anything ranging from a priest turned detective, gawky teenager sucked into the D&D universe or hooker with a heart of gold. They are universally annoying and tend to travel in packs, especially if age fourteen and a group of social misfits at Camp Wannacannitcha. Please understand it is vitally important you do not simply dismiss their side-splitting antics as harmless. Why? Because more often than not some chubby kid in glasses will save the day in the end, and you would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for those meddling kids.
How to thwart them: Break the cliches and try not to be a bumbling and stereotypical villain. Don't gloat, don't reveal your evil schemes, and don't wear a rubber mask they can simply yank off and prove it was Old Man Munson all along.
The Wise Mentor: You will also want to watch out for the wise old mentor. These individuals generally tend not be your main antagonist, but are dangerous just the same. These are the ones that will send your nemesis on his fateful journey, who will teach him the arcane knowledge and martial arts moves necessary to stop you every time. They also typically have some sort of relation to you, be it as a former teacher or student. This can be quite bad, as it gives them an intimate understanding of the inner workings of your mind. They are at least fairly easy to spot, however, with most living on mountain tops or desert planets, wearing brown robes and uttering cryptic haikus.
How to thwart them: These fellows are actually pretty easy to stop. All you need do is challenge them to a duel and then strike them down with your superior skill. They'll mumble some nonsense about how destroying them only makes them stronger, but don't believe a word of it.
The Lovable Animal Companion: Perhaps most disturbing of all is the animal companions that tend to follow heroes around on their journey. Be it a loyal dog, falcon on the shoulder, or some sort of cutesy ferret-thing, these little bastards are heinous and spell nothing but trouble. For not only do they elicit annoying awwwwww's from the audience every time they appear on the screen, they also have the unfortunate habit of assisting their master at the worst of times, just like the sidekick. You'll have locked up the hero in your dungeon to rot for a thousand years, no hope whatsoever, when all of a sudden some damn monkey appears and squeezes through the prison bars with the keys.
How to thwart them: It is highly suggested you comdemn all furry lovable animals to a terrible death in your kingdom. If not for protection, then for aesthetic value.
DEATH TRAPS
Death traps are another useful means for dispatching the heroes. These machinations of destruction have been used for centuries and are perfect for all your destructive needs. Here is but a sampling:
Hall of Mirrors - One of the more popular locales of death. The hall of mirrors can be found in any funhouse or amusement park and is an excellent place for final confrontations with the heroes. Simply lure them in through any number of reasons (such as rescuing a hostage or stopping you at last), and then cackle with glee as they find you reflected back not once but a thousand times! If they try and attack they will find you are only an illusion, and no matter how hard they look they will be unable to locate the real you. You can then seal the exits and start seeping in the poison gas, finishing off those who would dare to stop you.
Maze of Death - Another time-tested classic. Tracing its history as far back as Greek legend, what could possibly be better than a gigantic labyrinth of death? These wonderful mazes are filled with so many twists and turns that escape is near impossible and nothing is ever as it seems. Behind each corridor terrible death can await, through whirling blades and decapitating projectiles and stone statues come to life. You can even place a minotaur in the middle, ready to devour anyone who crosses its path. The only problem is getting the hero to actually enter the maze, so you'll probably want to kidnap their loved one or sidekick and place them right in the middle.
Pit of Doom - These structures are also quite good for offing the heroes, or at least getting them out of your hair for a while. By concealing a deadly nightmare beneath a trap door or bundle of sticks you can send do-gooders plummeting with nothing but a false step. The initial drop generally causes a great deal of damage, oftentimes fatal, and should you like you can always line the bottom with jagged spikes or broken glass. You can also choose to use a bottomless pit, delightful in that they allow the heroes to fall forever and ever. (Note: These are a physical impossibility, so you may need to improvise a bit.) Consider installing a pit of doom in your lair today!
Hopefully these few suggestions assist you in your crusades against the Forces of Good. Though please realize that this chapter only represents a few of the possibilities, and that there are truly endless means for stopping their depraved schemes. You are only limited by your imagination. Well, that and your budget.