Webster's English Dictionary (1913) has this to say about Evil:
Evil (adj.) [OE. evel, evil, ifel, uvel, AS. yfel; akin to OFries, evel, D. euvel, OS. & OHG. ubil, G. \'81bel, Goth. ubils, and perh. to E. over.] (Page: 517)
1. Having qualities tending to injury and mischief; having a nature or properties which tend to badness; mischievous; not good; worthless or deleterious; poor; as, an evil beast; an evil plant; an evil crop.
2. Having or exhibiting bad moral qualities; morally corrupt; wicked; wrong; vicious; as, evil conduct, thoughts, heart, words, and the like.
3. Producing or threatening sorrow, distress, injury, or calamity; unpropitious; calamitous; as, evil tidings; evil arrows; evil days. -- Evil speaking, speaking ill of others; calumny; censoriousness. -- The evil one, the Devil; Satan; Syn. -- Mischieveous; pernicious; injurious; hurtful; destructive; wicked ; sinful; bad; corrupt; perverse; wrong; vicious; calamitious.
4. Anything which impairs the happiness of a being or deprives a being of any good; anything which causes suffering of any kind to sentient beings (It's a hobby...); injury; mischief; harm; -- opposed to good.
5. Moral badness, or the deviation of a moral being from the principles of virtue imposed by conscience, or by the will of the Supreme Being, or by the principles of a lawful human authority; disposition to do wrong; moral offence; wickedness; depravity.
But evil is actually so much more than all that. It is wickedness, malevolence, the desire to do people wrong. To take power for yourself at the expense of others, and then using it in the most ruthless and vile of ways. It is hurting people for no good reason at all, horrifically destroying their lives and then jumping up on down on their corpses. It is tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks and then twirling about in a moustache and black cape. It is hate and wrath and rage. Sound good? We thought so. So let's begin.
The Benefits of Being Evil
That definition is good for the basics of evil, but doesn't really get into the benefits. For being evil is truly a lifestyle unto itself. By embracing the forces of evil you can gain power beyond your wildest dreams. You can become one of the richest people on earth and then use that wealth to bring about the misfortune of others. You can crush your enemies in the most ruthless and vile of ways all the while unhindered by such weaknesses as remorse or guilt. You can be a ray of darkness in an otherwise unbearably sunny day.
Those are not the only benefits, however. By becoming a servant of darkness you can also engage in widespread plans of world domination. You can destroy the world with the method of your choosing and then jump up and down on its corpse. You can tie damsels in distress to railroad tracks and then twirl about in your moustache and black cape. Yes, by choosing evil you can truly walk down the street with pride, and watch small children run screaming from your presence.
But wait, there's more! If you act now you can also gain vast influence over the minds of men. You can learn great supernatural powers capable of killing at a glance and causing people's heads to explode. You can summon up terrible armies of the undead to then send against the town of your choosing. You can even become immortal should you wish, and are willing to sacrifice your humanity. There really is no end to the benefits, so why not join today?
If you think you've got what it takes to be a supervillain, then please take the following placement quiz. This is to test your evil potential, and determine whether you possess the necessary attributes to make it in today's evil world.
QUESTION #1: How do you start your morning routine?
A) Wake up at 6:00 A.M. and sing merrily in the shower!
B) A five mile jog and rigorous set of exercises.
C) Hit the snooze alarm for the tenth time in as many minutes.
D) Have a cup of coffee, read the daily newspaper and then plot the downfall of western civilization.
QUESTION #2: Which of the following job skills do you possess?
A) Excellent management potential.
B) Ability to focus on the task at hand.
C) Looking busy whenever the boss walks by.
D) How to explain your master plan in under sixty seconds.
QUESTION #3: What did you want to be when you grew up?
A) A policeman
B) A doctor
C) A ballerina
D) Supreme dark overlord of all mankind. Either that or a lawyer.
QUESTION #4: Do you have any pets?
A) A big lovable dog.
B) A bird of some sort.
C) An iguana.
D) A white furry cat that you stroke constantly.
QUESTION #5: How do you normally spend your weekends?
A) Sports activities in the great outdoors.
B) Watching television.
C) Hanging out with friends.
D) Constructing doomsday devices in your basement.
QUESTION #6: What are your religious beliefs?
A) Monotheistic: Christian, Jewish, Muslim
B) Pantheistic: Buddhist, Hindu, Pagan
C) Atheist or Agnostic
D) I am actually an ancient Babylonian God awoken from a terrible sleep and destined to destroy all mankind.
QUESTION #7: What torments you in your greatest nightmares?
A) A fiery building from which you cannot escape.
B) Monsters that tear you limb from limb.
C) Your ex-wife demanding alimony payments.
D) Unicorns, rainbows, and puppy dogs with big eyes.
QUESTION #8: What would you say is the greatest threat to society today?
A) Crime, drugs, and gangs.
B) Corporations run amok.
C) Nuclear war.
QUESTION #9: What is your normal reaction whenever confronted by a holy symbol, garlic, silver weapon or holy water?
A) Feel the divine light surround your spiritual aura.
B) Bewildered confusion.
C) Chuckle at their superstitious beliefs.
D) Run away while screaming: "It burns! It burns!"
QUESTION #10: It's the end of the world. An atomic blast has just leveled the cities and destroyed the human race. Mutants now walk the streets and the seas have boiled away to nothing. You've just seen your best friend torn to pieces, and civilization as you know it is over. Do you...
A) Vow to someday rebuild society.
B) Double over in grief and wait for a painful death.
C) Try to remember the plot to "The Road Warrior."
D) Congratulate yourself on a job well done.
Tally up your answers, and find out which letter you answered the most.
Mostly A's, B's or C's - You unfortunately do not possess the necessary qualities to be an evil supervillain. Please continue with your studies and apply again next year. Mostly D's - Excellent.
Choosing an Evil Name
To begin your evil career you must choose an evil name for yourself. Something that will cause millions to tremble and be forever burned into their fragile minds. A name so horrible and vast that children will weep at its very pronouncement and none will dare say it lest they be cursed throughout the ages. Choose carefully, because this is what the world will know you as, and it's hell getting changed so you won't want to do this twice.
The Normal Name: This is where you keep your current name and simply use that in your quest for ultimate evil. Believe it or not, you don't always need a big flash name - it just helps. And should you so choose, your birth name should be just enough to inspire fear in all humanity. Examples include: Bill Gates, Walt Disney, Pat Robertson.
The Descriptive Name: This is a name that completely describes you as a person. Oftentimes it is an archetype, and generally it will instantly reveal your nature upon utterance. Examples of this might include Octopus Man, Mastermind, or The Eater of Souls. To figure out what yours would be, simply look at yourself and realize your best (well, worst) traits. Put them down in print, and that is what you shall be known as.
The Sinister Name: These are generally the type of names you see on the covers of death-metal albums. Things so incredibly cheesy and metal that they rip the fabric of space-time and cause a collapse of all reality. Since you are most likely an evil-doer on the go, we have provided a handy chart for you to create one at your leisure.
Sinister names are generally made up of between one and three parts, the title, surname, and last name. Thus, in choosing from these at random you might come up with the name Baron Bloodspawn. Or if you wanted something shorter, you could just choose two and become Blackfist. Whatever the case, don't be limited by the constraints of this chart. If you can think of any evil terms on your own, please feel free add them in and make a most nefarious nom-de-plume.
The next step towards creating your evil persona is to consider your motive. Why do you do the things you do? Is it the power, the money, the glory? Or are you just bad to the bone? Evil comes from many sources, and here are just a few:
Power - This is the most common motivating force amongst evil-doers and criminal masterminds. The overwhelming desire to obtain as much power as possible, to crush all beneath your might and control all that exists. This is power to destroy your enemies, to direct world events and control people's lives. But perhaps more than all that, power to do anything you want, and be completely unaccountable for all actions and sins. This supremacy is of course very tempting, and explains why power has remained the top driving force amongst evil-doers for the last two millennium.
Hate - Many evil-doers are motivated by a strong hatred for all mankind. They despise everything that exists, and would like nothing more than to rain destruction upon this world that pains them so. They want to show countless billions the anger they feel inside, and punish all who committed the unforgivable crime of having been born. Rational thought is rarely very big among these individuals, as they prefer venomous wrath and mindless rage. A hatred so great that only it could be responsible for your evil deeds and future career of darkness.
Greed - This is another delightfully evil motivation, also known as the irresistible desire to obtain gobs and gobs of money. Money is in fact a driving force unto itself, but is special in that it allows you to get things. Things of every shape and size, big things, small things, short things, tall things. It doesn't even really matter in the end what they are, just so long as you have them, all of them. That and your unending supply of money. But how to obtain so much stuff? Well, let's just say that evil tends to be the quickest and most profitable route. It's also usually a lot more fun, but hey, remember - you're in this for the money.
Madness - Insanity is another motive that has propelled many evil-doers to greatness. Sometimes its voices in their heads, other times an inability to tell right from wrong. Whatever the derangement, it is always something incredibly disturbing that would send most sane folk into shivers. As such, you may want to consider losing your mind before embarking on your evil career. Madness can direct you in ways normally thought impossible, or not thought at all, because they're, well ... insane. So why not choose insanity for your method of choice?
Revenge - Another favorite. The extreme desire to make them pay. To have revenge upon those who have wronged you, forever and brutal and eternal. It might be because you were beaten up as a child, or constantly tormented for being "different" (it's usually the horns that give it away). Or maybe some person or business did you wrong, and now need wronging back. Or maybe you're just really really petty. Whatever the case, revenge is always warranted, as it can lead to all sorts of horrific pain and violence. Never ever let it go, even a little bit, because then the anger might end, and without that you are nothing.
Evil - It's my nature - For some wrongdoers, evil is not just an end, it is something inherent to their being. When a child is born with glowing red eyes and strange cloven hoofprints it is not too unusual for them to discover evil as their true calling. Their childhood is usually wrought with pain and suffering, with parents perishing in mysterious fires and close friends accidentally getting pushed to the bottom of wells. As they grow older their evil then blossoms into full force, until they are ready to step into their role as antichrist and destroyer of all mankind. Evil is their nature - and to defy it would be nothing but obscene.
Mom Never Loved Me - *Sniff* Yes, it's true. Sometimes the love of a parent is all that stands between a child and a lifelong career of evil. The young one will be angry and confused, and at some point two roads will open up before them. One filled with hopes and dreams, and the other naught but sorrow. And some parents get it in their stupid heads to divert their children from the evil path! Those bastards! How many children have been lost? And how many more will be lost? This must be stopped, and stopped now. If someone's mother loves them then they may turn into a well-adjusted human being instead of the nightmarishly destructive soldier of darkness they were meant to be. And we can't have that now, can we?
How to do an Evil Laugh
This is one of the most important skills you will need to learn as an evil-doer. The evil laugh is a defining characteristic of any supervillain, and you be engaging it in regularly as you gloat over fallen foes exult in your own wickedness. There are many different laughs to choose from, each with varying degrees of derangement.
Ha Ha Ha…
Once you have decided upon a laugh you will want to begin practicing it every day. Learn all the different chortles and inflections, the many ways to pronounce it and shower your audience with spittle. Before long you should be able to perform it with ease, and will be ready to begin your evil career with style.
Good times to use your evil laugh:
When revealing your master plan. During a bank heist. After a lengthy monologue but before checking that your arch-nemesis is still firmly tied to the chair. While standing over the bodies of fallen enemies. After your evil scheme has gone off without a hitch. When you are instructing your henchmen. Before unleashing your weapon of great power. Just as the heroes are sneaking up from behind. While you are locked inside a mental asylum. When you trip over some cheap waiting room chairs and everyone stares at you. Anytime at all, really.
Hmmm... Time to go back...
Copyright © 2001 Neil Zawacki. All Right Reserved. Not to be reproduced in any form without express permission.